I am a simple girl. To hurt anyone is not in my nature and always I pretend to be positive with all issues in life. But that is not easy. My mind argues with me when my wishes are not fulfilled. My heart wants to cry when it notices the injustice in my path. The girl inside me wants to fly and see the beautiful colors of the life. But I captured myself in the cage of systems and societies, customs and cultures, families and relatives and left no door open to fly independently. All the colors of freedom get dim without light. And in this life there are no chances see to think about myself.
I am busy with my family needs, giving my full concentration to my children but what do I get in return? Does my child really care for me? For him, mother is only the one who fulfills his wishes & demands. I have many friends and I used to chat with them frequently but who is the real one amongst all. As I really know, people who are with me are against me, in my absence. I am a good dancer and I run my dancing class. I very well manage my house and my class but there are some people who are jealous of me. Everyone find mistakes in me and I keep ignoring it all the time. For how long can I overlook all these? One day will arrive when everything will burst out and I will be finding my way.
And that day have come around. I am searching a true friend to be with me. But I can’t trust anybody I know. Depression has ruled over my mind. It makes me feel alone all the time. I am scared to face anyone. I want to run away when number of people gathers at my house. I am hiding myself from strangers. I can’t share my feelings to anyone. All show their concern towards me but I want to live alone. Why I am in this state of mind? I used to love people coming to my house, but what happened to me now? Sometimes I feel crying for no apparent reason. Is everything because of depression? I went to doctor. I started my medications. But still I feel like dying. If I die who will take care of my child. Yes, I want to die for one day! I want my soul to get free from my body and choose the right person to trust lifelong. I want my soul to see who actually loves me and who actually is with me.
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Oh death! Can I trust you? Can I get a chance to find my people among number of people around me? I don’t want to hide from my responsibilities, I want to live a life what God has decided for me. I am afraid to live in this world. I can’t trust people. I want a chance to find my true loved ones.
Years before I was loved by my lover, he was always there for me in my bad as well as good time. But unfortunately we separated to make our parents feel happy. After sometime, I got married and had kids. Everything was going smooth and my husband loved me deeply till he came to know about my lover. I tried to explain him that he was the past and now I live in present and he only will be in my future. But there was no affect of my words on my husband and my appeal was totally shattered. He hated me and likewise my love disappeared.
Life without love is impossible. But, I lived these many years looking towards my child. As time passed by, my husband got practical and started living in present. Things were getting better but not perfect with me. Now to face life, was getting more difficult. I am living my life without any goal, without any wish to get complete. Everyone is close to me but when I turn behind I feel alone. I want to leave everything and live my life on my own terms, which is not possible.
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There was a time when life was a burden but now when I remember my past, I can’t come out of it. I wish I could die for one day and get my soul free from all worries. I will get the energy to handle the past and get prepared for the future. Once my mind gets clear from all distractive thoughts I would live rest of my life happily. Oh death! I want to die for one day. Human state of mind is to worry and think about others, but for one day I want to live a life without worry. My mind is cluttered with all negative thoughts and it seems to get hard to come out from.
One day I was very much tired and slept by 11 at night after completing my work. As the clock struck three I woke up and saw that call has come from god and I have to leave everything and go. The god of death was standing beside me; I was scared and totally afraid. Death asked me, “Why you are worried? This is your wish and I came to take you.” My tongue slipped and my words uttered. I dare to ask him, “I wanted death for one day; Have you come here to take me for one day? But I don’t want to go with you. I want my soul to get free and look around my people. I want to know the right person for my friendship.” Death laughs and makes fun of me. He said, “Death for a day? What a joke.” I explained “I can’t come right now as I have to look after my mother in law, my husband and my child who is very small.” I strongly denied going with him. But when has death listened to anyone. He took me away with him.
As I was leaving my home I found that, this was the only heaven I was looking for. My happiness lies with my family and I wasted my life in searching true love which was always with me. As I moved little far, I found my husband too loved me deeply but he couldn’t express it properly. I was depressed only because of my negative thoughts which are no more after death. But now life is not with me. Oh God, help me out. I don’t want to die. I tried to convince death to forget my words which I had spoken. Now I don’t wish to die. I found the solution to my problem. I was leaving happy life but it was unknown to me. I was not facing any trouble, but difficulties were made by my mind. And there are many people living their tough life but are still happy. They never wish to die. I am ashamed of myself.
I again requested death to leave me for the sake of my child but annoyed death yelled at me. I get scared and open my eyes. I found myself lying on bed. My son comes to me, “Mummy hurry up I will get late for my school.” I look towards the clock and it struck 7. But I could not stand after such a horrible dream. My husband got tea for me, “Good morning darling, today you are late.” I got up and tried to continue with my routine. I found out, although it was a bad dream but it had cleared the vision of my life. I flushed away all my negative thoughts and started a new life without any depression, worries, negativity. Now I can say I have a girl inside me who is happy, who has wings to fly. Life became easy and lovely to live. Now I can dance and teach well.
Note: This is a simple story of tired women who faces some sort of depression. She wishes to die for a day to solve the problem and then wants to continue to live a happy life. But we all know, life once ends then there is no chance to come back. Sometimes people lose hope while facing the problems of their life and take wrong steps and give up their life. But that is never a solution; you may be sad, disappointed, heart broken or even scarred. But wake each day with a new sense of hope, a will to fight on and not give up.